And all I can do is, try.

orry for the lack of updates, schools been kicking my ass. The lack of sleep, endless assignments, and exams is taking a toll on me. I don't think I have dreaded school this much... to the point of skipping it at least once a week. It's bad I know... and laziness always gets the better of me.

Wokay, off to finish off the remaining assignment and head to bed and get set for another looong weekend...

running away

One of my favourite songs when I feel like shutting the world out, great song.

It's 1.37am. I have been staring at my laptop doing everything but my school work thats due in 2 days? And I don't know why I am not feeling the urge to do it. What the hell is wrong with me?

As I pen this down, I'm thinking about my life. What have I achieved so far that I am proud of?

I feel absolutely directionless about everything. About my life, what I'm gonna work as in the future. I am so terrified of the future. Nothing seems right. There isn't a simple aspect in my life now that I am confident of. I know what I always say, see how it goes. But what if life doesn't grant you that choice of just going with the flow? What if I'm not that lucky?

I know I'm whining away again about my life when really what I should be doing is start doing something about it. What am I doing with my life? I need to get out of this shitty place I'm in. Life is too short. It really is.

Finally managed to settle all my air tickets and I'm relieved cause it's been bugging me for days- close to a week to be exact.

And I've been eating at irregular hours and the feeling sucks. I feel like I'm putting on weight everyday, like my shorts and shirts are getting tighter. But I don't care la...

I need comfort food tmr, badly. Cupcakes and thai food(without the spicy tomyam) sounds great...

What i wouldnt do to just pass one day in school without hearing people talk about the fucking US trip.

some people just get under your skin and stay there

Spit me out and chew me up

School is sucking the life outta me. And so is all this shit happening in my life. 2012 - the end or beginning?

its always harder the second time around

fav maggi mee brand

my dad always buys the wrong brand for me! try this brand! i have no idea how to read it? kang shi fu? the hong shao nui rou mian is (Y) i think its only sold in sheng siong. decided to try this new flavour (crab abalone?) but the beef one still owns my heart :)

hell yeah i spotted the double rainbow too! I didnt even know it was a double rainbow... till i saw some of the pictures on fb. sigh i felt so happy and hopeful when I saw the rainbow.

ate razor clams by adding them into the maggi soup! SHIOKKKKKKKK SIAAA

HI DO U WANNA BE MY FLEN...

Body shop lovin' - been using the first one "Tea Tree Skin Clearing Lotion" and I think its really good! The saleslady told me it's a moisturizer but I mostly apply it for my pimples.

My current obsession : Lipstick. I'm more excited about buying lipstick than clothes. How weird is that.

So yes, CNY is tmr... Can I just say I am sian about it. Like srsly. I didn't even bother to really go CNY shopping cause I have so many new clothes in my wardrobe that I haven't worn out... I keep saving them up for special occassions that never come. Sigh how sad is that. And I realised I can't even fit into some of em now :( And my plan to diet for CNY totally failed big time on me. I just had two helpings of rice (I am a fan tong) for dinner and had Haagen Daaz ice cream afterwards. Life's too short to miss out on enjoying your food, so eat up people!! You are only FAT once. I am soaking in my fatness everyday. Oh yes but speaking of shopping, I did manage to snag up some new items while shopping wif gongz at orchard and bugis (2 consecutive days in a row) Retail therapy is <3. No one can deny that!

Spent the day helping around the house - cleaning shelves, washing fridge compartments (my house has freaking 3 fridges but thank goodness I was not made to clean all 3 because that would be a nightmare.) I still can't believe I have 3 damn fridges. I should snap a picture of the fridges next time round. My friends just love making fun of the fridges. I look at it as a way that I am blessed with food all the time :) I mopped my room, tidied it a "little", washed my clothes (then it started to rain heavily knnnnnnn) and most importantly, I GOT WAXED. Not down there (if thats what ur wondering!!!) Cause I'm super hairy so mum helped me wax my moustache, underlip and chin hair(i was forced to wax this) and my knees. The feeling is super liberating... And then we waxed my bro's armpit hair- which was gross. and his armpit hair is super thick and black and he bled after that... dad and mum got damn worried. stupid pussy bro.

wokay, i predict a very boring CNY up ahead.

Cheerios xxx

I'm sorry I can't be perfect

Hey, Dad, look at me
Think back, and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?
And do you think I'm wasting my time
Doing things I want to do?
But it hurts when you disapproved all along
And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for
You can't pretend that I'm alright
And you can't change me

When this song was first released when I was in Sec school, I could really relate to it. Now, almost 5 years down the road, I still can relate to it. It always brings tears to my eyes when I listen to it...

Am feeling extremely angsty and sad now.

As most of my friends will know, my dad and I have always shared a very close relationship ever since I was young. He is extremely protective when it comes to me hanging out late at night, going drinking/pubbing and he strongly objects CLUBBING. So I was supposed to go clubbing today but decided to come home instead. He flared up at me and said he hates the way I am acting and all? WTF it was 12+am only. I'm freaking 21 years old. I am an adult. I don't do anything illegal when I'm out hanging out with my friends? I hardly stay out and I try to come as early as possible. (think 11+pm) Does he even care!? NO. Nothing I do ever pleases him. Even if I try my best to rush home when I can actually hang out even later he is still pissed. I am tired of trying to be good, since it isn't even fucking appreciated by him. Really, I could be a rebellious teenager but was I ever? I really envy friends who can hang out late and won't get those horrible threatening text messages or missed calls from their parents (and trust me it really ruins the entire night) or friends whose parents sleep damn early that when they come home late they wouldn't even know. But no, my parents sleep damn freaking late. Even at 2am they'll be awake even on a normal working day. This just sucks.

there is no greater thrill than being happy and alone.

retrieving pictures from my iphone is a bitch! i have to click on it for like 15 times or more just to make the pictures appear! it sucks that I cant bear to delete most of em but they are taking up way too much space! i have currently 3k+ pics (not including videos)!

been lazing around and enjoying the remaining few days of freedom before it ends and the gates of hell open with 4 freaking modules. I am dreading it so badly you have no idea. I don't think I've ever taken 4 modules in a semester before :( its gonna be terrible, stressful and I can already imagine me taking forever to complete assignments and panicking :( I need CHANGE.

what i did today :

met up with primary school good friend AMANDA CHNG!! after close to 1 year? Can't believe its been almost 1 yr since we last met up! I really think 2011 flew by really quickly cause so much shit happened and also because of school. We had so much fun catching up and sharing stories with one another! This is the only decent pic I have of us and I look pale and check out the pancake hair :(

Baking CNY Goodies with mum : peanut cookies

Not one of the popular new year goodies, but my bro likes it. (who cares right actually)

will just write a little about how to make them! I think its much simpler compared to making pineapple tarts

mix and mash up caster sugar, flour and the peanuts.

slowly pour in vegetable oil and mix till the batter turns dough-ish?

which is this! took quite alot of oil before it turned to a good batter. Mum mixed while I poured the oil in.

this is egg wash, which I used to glaze the peanut balls to make them appear shiny, kinda had fun doing it cause it was like painting, just that I was doing it with egg.

peanut balls all made up! I stuck in almond nuts. I actually had to glaze the peanut balls twice cause the first time round I did them plainly with egg white and they weren't shiny so I had to do a second coating with the one with egg yolk, which really retained the shiny-ness! Mum said its due to the stickyness of the egg yolk...

see the difference? so much shinier!

before putting them into the oven, good photography taking skills seh...

was kinda sad that the peanut balls cracked while baking. Think the oven was over heated, supposed to set it at 180 degrees but mum set it at 200 instead. but still yummy!

I helped her do one batch - 3 trays and she went to do another batch. Now there are like 5 bottles of them laying at home? Don't know whose gonna finish them also...

oh yeah a new look im experimenting! Not using eyeliner and spamming mascara... I think it looks okay here? I went to work the entire weekend and didn't wear eyeliner and everyone thought I looked damn tired. I don't wanna rely so heavily on eyeliner but it seems impossible. Eyeliner just makes the face brighter and more alive somehow.

don't underestimate this bowl over here. it costs 24 bucks. has anyone ever gone to 313's food republic? There's a corner stall called "Fragrance Hotpot" and everyone eats out of these huge bowls and it looks damn yummy? Well, I decided to be adventurous that day and decided not to eat the usual food and give this a try. Bloody money cheaters man. The concept of the stall is kinda like yong tau foo where you grab what you want in a bowl and then they cook it for you (based on weight). So like gz wanted kangkong and it was bundled up (it was super huge) and knowing that everything is based on weight, we had no choice but to buy the entire bunch of kangkong... Anw the main point is that the price is ridiculous and its salty! And there is only one type of base to choose from which is MALA. Shiok when u start eating it but it was way too salty for my liking... I think its a very smart money making tool though, I saw someone spend 50$, you can actually go to a restaurant and have a decent meal instead of eating at the food court. Oh well at least I tried it!

oh yeah and I worked out last friday by swimming 40 laps! NO ONE BELIEVES THIS 40 LAPS but cindy can vouch for me! Exercising really helps to relieve stress and sadness. But my calves and body ached like a bitch the next day and I ate carls jr after that. And I pigged out the entire weekend. So I guess I can kiss goodbye to the calories I burned off :(

Till the next entry, its already 2.30am!!

partyworld

went to sing K ystd finally... after i duno how many eons man!!! wanted to go the $10 club but it was fully booked! So we walked in the sweltering heat all the way from chinatown to liang court to go partyworld which was X100 better than that $10 club! I dont think I wanna go back there after singing at Partyworld ystd... the room was awesome (it had some osim leg massager-- didn't use it cause I was busy hogging the mike... cindy maximized it!)

and linette hates me cause I know how to sing almost every song... NOT MY FAULT LEH BALLS! and she sang some bee gees song which I thought I didnt know and guess what? I knew! And 4 hours was totally not enough... 24 hr k marathon coming soon. AT NEX!!! Sang lotsa chinese songs ystd which was (Y), depressing though :(

ok will be in school for the next 2 days. fml. school holidays are passing by so quickly. I am dreading school reopening :'(

tokyo

went to tokyo for a short period of 5 days and i love the place! The weather was so cold, I wore 4 layers almost everyday and still felt cold! Especially in the night... there was some nights it got so cold my fingers literally froze and turned red and it didn't help that I wore super lousy gloves that my mum lent to me (she kept saying they were made of suede so I thought wa confirm good... in the night I ended up with icey fingers :( )

Anw tokyo is so clean, I love their toilets- with a simple press of a button, you can wash your ass, dry your ass and you know in winter the toilet bowls get damn cold but in tokyo the toilet bowls are heated! I especially like their flushing sound (so people can't hear when your shit drops into the toilet bowl!) I super need tt function to be implemented in Singapore prease!!!

That aside, food was great OISHI OISHI! everything is so yummy~ and Japan has really cute packaging for everything, I took so many pictures of their cakes and stuff... when it comes to packaging the Japanese win hands down man! But the downside of Tokyo is the cost of living... Everything was super duper expensive... the cheapest bowl of noodles is slightly over $10?

And clothes there are ridiculously priced! Like one sequinned cardi would be 100-200 sing? That's like their normal pricing... And I realised something damn irritating while I was there! I kept getting shoved around! The people there just push you when you block their way! And the older generation are really rude? Like the old man will just push you and stuff... Got damn pissed by them shoving me around :( Anw everyone dresses so stylishly there... If I ever go there again for a longer period of time, I will make sure I bring the prettiest clothes or else damn lao kui, all the girls dress damn nicely and most of them bother to wear makeup and style their hair? Who has that kind of time!

Ok, nuff of the trip! If you're planning to go Tokyo, pls save up loadsa $$$ cos the prices will make your jaw drop!

That aside, I ended 2011 on a sad note? The first few days of 2012 weren't exactly cheery. But through all this, I realised the importance of friends. I would never have made it through if you guys weren't there listening and telling me everything is okay :) Really felt happy to have you guys by my side. After today, I am a stronger person and life is never smooth sailing is it? The most important thing is to keep a positive outlook and life's too short to be sad! SMILE EVERYBODY!!! LOVE YOUR LIFE :)

love,

sybil